Our Father gives good gifts

For those of you who read my last blog post from a few days ago, you know that these past 5-6 months have not been easy, I have not felt well at all due to an ongoing Cystic Fibrosis exacerbation that is not responding to IV antibiotics. I wanted to share with you another update about how merciful and good our God is! This past Tuesday was when I went to the doctor and found out that my Pulmonary function tests showed the lowest results I have had. This Thursday I went to my lifegroup/Bible study and they prayed for healing for my body in the name of Jesus. The next day I got up for class as usual and as the day went on I realized that I had a lot more energy than I have had, I didn't feel as congested, and my body didn't ache. I wondered if God was up to something, but I also know that some days with CF are better than others so I told myself we will see how I feel the next few days. The next morning I woke up and took a breath and was surprised when I did not crackle or gurgle with congestion, my breath was clear and deep. I got up and tried to cough up my usual large amount of mucus (sorry for the icky details)...these past few months I have needed to cough up multiple tissues full of gunk in the morning and throughout the day. These past few days...hardly anything. I have energy, and no more body aches or heaviness in my chest! I still have symptoms of CF, but the exacerbation symptoms that have been here for nearly 6 months are finally gone! Jesus is way better and more effective than medicine!! Though I am not completely healed, I believe God healed me of this exacerbation, and I am so overwhelmingly grateful! A few things I want to note... First, while I know my lifegroup praying over me was a huge part of this, I also want to thank everyone else who was praying for me. Thank you so much to everyone who commented on my blog post on facebook. I know your prayers and the faithful prayers of others were definitely part of it. I also want to add that this was not the first time I was prayed for. Many many times have people from my church, my friends, and my family prayed for healing over the years and most times nothing results. I know that God still heard those prayers though. HIS timing is perfect. Sometimes we are not healed, not everyone is meant to be. BUT Jesus did promise us that He will never leave us and that though there will be troubles in this world, He has overcome it through the cross and we can have hope! Christ gives us hope of eternal life, free of suffering! I would like to write a blog post on suffering and theological thoughts on it sometime soon. 2 Corinthians 1:3-7 "3 All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. 4 He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. 5 For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. 6 Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. 7 We are confident that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us." This experience has reminded me of God's faithfulness and encouraged me about nursing. I am reminded that He will make me able to do whatever it is He is calling me to, nursing included. I also have realized that while feeling well now is wonderful, that I will not always feel well...none of us will. My body will eventually fail me. All of our bodies will eventually fail us. Our earthly bodies were not meant to last forever. This world is broken and fallen and suffering is part of it. In God's kingdom though, we will have new bodies. I am reminded that though the gift of healing is overwhelmingly wonderful, even better is the gift of forgiveness and life that we have through Jesus! 2 Corinthians 5:1-9 For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. 2 We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. 3 For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies.[f] 4 While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. 5 God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit. 6 So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. 7 For we live by believing and not by seeing. 8 Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. 9 So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please him. 10 For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body. I know there are so many different beliefs and religions today, but I urge you, if you don't know Jesus, before you dismiss Him, remember that He has not dismissed you and loves you just as you are, even in your worst state. He created you and He loves you. The Bible's manuscripts are proved to be reliable. There is no doubt that Jesus existed. The question is whether or not Jesus was God like He said He was. He could not have been just a "good teacher"; He was either God or crazy. I believe there is much more evidence to suggest that He was who He said He was - God incarnate. Jesus conquered death and lives in heaven at the right hand of God! He is the only god who is ALIVE! Sorry for the tangent, I just wanted to share the awesome news, and remind you that God is still just as alive and powerful today as 2000 years ago, and He still hears our prayers! Love you guys!

Trusting in The Faithful God

It is March 2013. I graduate college in 2 months! I will be a nurse soon. I am excited, terrified, discouraged and yet know I must preserver because God is bigger than my problems and He has plans for me. These past few months have been the hardest yet in terms of health.

November 2012 I went to my doctor not feeling my best, my Pulmonary Function Test were actually not that  bad, but my dr though it would be best to catch anything early and go on IV antibiotics before the holidays came. During this appointment I was told that my insurance had a lifetime limit that was almost used up. I would not have enough left on my plan to get me through another hospital stay. This was, as you can imagine,  quite a shock. My insurance has just stopped helping...I thought to myself, "can they really just tell me I can't go into the hospital when I need to go in?" Thank God my parents have Kaiser insurance and I am on their plan, and thankfully Kaiser has a CF clinic in LA. So I ended up being admitted through Kaiser LA ER for that hospital stay. I felt better soon after being on the antibiotics. I went home to finish up the second week. After being done with the antibiotics for 2-3 weeks I started feeling sick again. At my follow up visit my lung function was at 49%, less than it was before I went into the hospital.  My dr told me to come back in a month and we would go from there. Finishing the semester and having some time at home helped some, but by mid January I was not feeling well at all. I was hoping that by increasing my breathing treatments I would feel better and avoid going into the hospital again. The first week of February classes began and I was feeling  even worse. By the end of the first week I developed a fever. That was what I needed in order to realize I needed to call my doctor.  I was admitted that night. An x-ray showed that I had right sided pneumonia. It was a good thing I went it when I did. This was my first time ever having pneumonia, and it was not too fun I might add. I also must add that it has been quite stretching to be going to a new CF center that is newer and not as experienced as USC. Don't get me wrong, everyone is really nice, but there is just a big difference from USC. This has forced me to trust God in a new way. I have realized that ultimately it is God who is in control of my healthcare and no matter what doctor is treating me, God is behind everything. So though it is often frustrating, I am learning to trust God with all aspects of my health and life. 

I finished this last round of IV antibiotics mid February for the pneumonia. I felt a lot better when I was on the IVs, but within a couple weeks I felt sick again. It has now been about a month since I have been off of the antibiotics and I am feeling worse than I have felt in a long time. It seems this has been the same pattern since November. I recently went back to USC, just for a clinic visit, to get another opinion and set of eyes to hopefully see something that has been overlooked. My lung capacity this visit was at 47%, and all my other numbers (small airways...etc have all gone down. I was looking at my history since I have been at USC starting in Jan 2010, and my results are the lowest they have ever been...eeeks) They took a bunch of tests, and I am supposed to go back in a couple weeks for results. So prayers appreciated for that!

These past few months, not surprisingly, have been very discouraging. I have not been consistent with my job at City of Hope since October, and I am finding it really hard to understanding how I am supposed to be a nurse when I feel so sick all the time. On one hand I know that God is faithful and has called me to be a nurse and will provide the job that fits me. On the other hand I don't know how to trust God because I don't see being a nurse in the near future as a realistic thing; or if it is realistic I don't want to trust God because the idea of working full time sounds way too exhausting. I have so many mixed and conflicting feelings. Right now I don't even feel well enough to do simple community nursing activities for a few hours a day.  I have also felt discouraged because I feel like no really gets how I am feeling. CF is hard because on the outside you look fine, but on the inside it looks much different. I feel heavy in my lungs, I am constantly trying to hold back coughing when working with patients so they don't question me, I feel so exhausted that I have to make an effort to concentrate on things, and when I take a break in the bathroom I am coughing up blood tinged mucus and crying. I often feel like no one gets it, no one understands. But last night The Holy Spirit spoke truth to that lie - I was reminded that Jesus knows my/our suffering perfectly. We are not alone in it. He experienced the worst suffering so that we would not have to suffer eternally. I know that this momentary suffering is nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed (Romans 8:18). 

I want to be resolved to trust God in the midst of this; that He is good, in control and faithful. I don't really know what other fancy words to say, I tried some but nothing is coming out right. I guess I would just say that we can live with the confidence that God is constant so that even when our circumstances are discouraging and make it hard to trust, we need to anyway because God's character is still trustworthy, it always has been and always will be. And I know there is joy He brings us in the midst of suffering. God is not easy to explain in words because His goodness and overflowing love is not something humans can fully grasp. He is worthy of all we have to offer. 

Ephesians 3:14-21

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵ from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

Psalm 31:14-15

But I am trusting you, O Lord,
    saying, “You are my God!”
¹⁵ My future is in your hands.