Sunday, March 24, 2013
Our Father gives good gifts
For those of you who read my last blog post from a few days ago, you know that these past 5-6 months have not been easy, I have not felt well at all due to an ongoing Cystic Fibrosis exacerbation that is not responding to IV antibiotics.
I wanted to share with you another update about how merciful and good our God is! This past Tuesday was when I went to the doctor and found out that my Pulmonary function tests showed the lowest results I have had. This Thursday I went to my lifegroup/Bible study and they prayed for healing for my body in the name of Jesus. The next day I got up for class as usual and as the day went on I realized that I had a lot more energy than I have had, I didn't feel as congested, and my body didn't ache. I wondered if God was up to something, but I also know that some days with CF are better than others so I told myself we will see how I feel the next few days. The next morning I woke up and took a breath and was surprised when I did not crackle or gurgle with congestion, my breath was clear and deep. I got up and tried to cough up my usual large amount of mucus (sorry for the icky details)...these past few months I have needed to cough up multiple tissues full of gunk in the morning and throughout the day. These past few days...hardly anything. I have energy, and no more body aches or heaviness in my chest! I still have symptoms of CF, but the exacerbation symptoms that have been here for nearly 6 months are finally gone! Jesus is way better and more effective than medicine!! Though I am not completely healed, I believe God healed me of this exacerbation, and I am so overwhelmingly grateful!
A few things I want to note... First, while I know my lifegroup praying over me was a huge part of this, I also want to thank everyone else who was praying for me. Thank you so much to everyone who commented on my blog post on facebook. I know your prayers and the faithful prayers of others were definitely part of it. I also want to add that this was not the first time I was prayed for. Many many times have people from my church, my friends, and my family prayed for healing over the years and most times nothing results. I know that God still heard those prayers though. HIS timing is perfect. Sometimes we are not healed, not everyone is meant to be. BUT Jesus did promise us that He will never leave us and that though there will be troubles in this world, He has overcome it through the cross and we can have hope! Christ gives us hope of eternal life, free of suffering! I would like to write a blog post on suffering and theological thoughts on it sometime soon.
2 Corinthians 1:3-7
"3 All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. 4 He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. 5 For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. 6 Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. 7 We are confident that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us."
This experience has reminded me of God's faithfulness and encouraged me about nursing. I am reminded that He will make me able to do whatever it is He is calling me to, nursing included. I also have realized that while feeling well now is wonderful, that I will not always feel well...none of us will. My body will eventually fail me. All of our bodies will eventually fail us. Our earthly bodies were not meant to last forever. This world is broken and fallen and suffering is part of it. In God's kingdom though, we will have new bodies. I am reminded that though the gift of healing is overwhelmingly wonderful, even better is the gift of forgiveness and life that we have through Jesus!
2 Corinthians 5:1-9
For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. 2 We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. 3 For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies.[f] 4 While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. 5 God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit.
6 So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. 7 For we live by believing and not by seeing. 8 Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. 9 So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please him. 10 For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body.
I know there are so many different beliefs and religions today, but I urge you, if you don't know Jesus, before you dismiss Him, remember that He has not dismissed you and loves you just as you are, even in your worst state. He created you and He loves you. The Bible's manuscripts are proved to be reliable. There is no doubt that Jesus existed. The question is whether or not Jesus was God like He said He was. He could not have been just a "good teacher"; He was either God or crazy. I believe there is much more evidence to suggest that He was who He said He was - God incarnate. Jesus conquered death and lives in heaven at the right hand of God! He is the only god who is ALIVE!
Sorry for the tangent, I just wanted to share the awesome news, and remind you that God is still just as alive and powerful today as 2000 years ago, and He still hears our prayers!
Love you guys!
Friday, March 22, 2013
Trusting in The Faithful God
It is March 2013. I graduate college in 2 months! I will be a nurse soon. I am excited, terrified, discouraged and yet know I must preserver because God is bigger than my problems and He has plans for me. These past few months have been the hardest yet in terms of health.
November 2012 I went to my doctor not feeling my best, my Pulmonary Function Test were actually not that bad, but my dr though it would be best to catch anything early and go on IV antibiotics before the holidays came. During this appointment I was told that my insurance had a lifetime limit that was almost used up. I would not have enough left on my plan to get me through another hospital stay. This was, as you can imagine, quite a shock. My insurance has just stopped helping...I thought to myself, "can they really just tell me I can't go into the hospital when I need to go in?" Thank God my parents have Kaiser insurance and I am on their plan, and thankfully Kaiser has a CF clinic in LA. So I ended up being admitted through Kaiser LA ER for that hospital stay. I felt better soon after being on the antibiotics. I went home to finish up the second week. After being done with the antibiotics for 2-3 weeks I started feeling sick again. At my follow up visit my lung function was at 49%, less than it was before I went into the hospital. My dr told me to come back in a month and we would go from there. Finishing the semester and having some time at home helped some, but by mid January I was not feeling well at all. I was hoping that by increasing my breathing treatments I would feel better and avoid going into the hospital again. The first week of February classes began and I was feeling even worse. By the end of the first week I developed a fever. That was what I needed in order to realize I needed to call my doctor. I was admitted that night. An x-ray showed that I had right sided pneumonia. It was a good thing I went it when I did. This was my first time ever having pneumonia, and it was not too fun I might add. I also must add that it has been quite stretching to be going to a new CF center that is newer and not as experienced as USC. Don't get me wrong, everyone is really nice, but there is just a big difference from USC. This has forced me to trust God in a new way. I have realized that ultimately it is God who is in control of my healthcare and no matter what doctor is treating me, God is behind everything. So though it is often frustrating, I am learning to trust God with all aspects of my health and life.
I finished this last round of IV antibiotics mid February for the pneumonia. I felt a lot better when I was on the IVs, but within a couple weeks I felt sick again. It has now been about a month since I have been off of the antibiotics and I am feeling worse than I have felt in a long time. It seems this has been the same pattern since November. I recently went back to USC, just for a clinic visit, to get another opinion and set of eyes to hopefully see something that has been overlooked. My lung capacity this visit was at 47%, and all my other numbers (small airways...etc have all gone down. I was looking at my history since I have been at USC starting in Jan 2010, and my results are the lowest they have ever been...eeeks) They took a bunch of tests, and I am supposed to go back in a couple weeks for results. So prayers appreciated for that!
These past few months, not surprisingly, have been very discouraging. I have not been consistent with my job at City of Hope since October, and I am finding it really hard to understanding how I am supposed to be a nurse when I feel so sick all the time. On one hand I know that God is faithful and has called me to be a nurse and will provide the job that fits me. On the other hand I don't know how to trust God because I don't see being a nurse in the near future as a realistic thing; or if it is realistic I don't want to trust God because the idea of working full time sounds way too exhausting. I have so many mixed and conflicting feelings. Right now I don't even feel well enough to do simple community nursing activities for a few hours a day. I have also felt discouraged because I feel like no really gets how I am feeling. CF is hard because on the outside you look fine, but on the inside it looks much different. I feel heavy in my lungs, I am constantly trying to hold back coughing when working with patients so they don't question me, I feel so exhausted that I have to make an effort to concentrate on things, and when I take a break in the bathroom I am coughing up blood tinged mucus and crying. I often feel like no one gets it, no one understands. But last night The Holy Spirit spoke truth to that lie - I was reminded that Jesus knows my/our suffering perfectly. We are not alone in it. He experienced the worst suffering so that we would not have to suffer eternally. I know that this momentary suffering is nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed (Romans 8:18).
I want to be resolved to trust God in the midst of this; that He is good, in control and faithful. I don't really know what other fancy words to say, I tried some but nothing is coming out right. I guess I would just say that we can live with the confidence that God is constant so that even when our circumstances are discouraging and make it hard to trust, we need to anyway because God's character is still trustworthy, it always has been and always will be. And I know there is joy He brings us in the midst of suffering. God is not easy to explain in words because His goodness and overflowing love is not something humans can fully grasp. He is worthy of all we have to offer.
Ephesians 3:14-21
"For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
Psalm 31:14-15
But I am trusting you, O Lord,
saying, “You are my God!”
15 My future is in your hands.
saying, “You are my God!”
15 My future is in your hands.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
I Don't Have a Impressive Title for this One; Just an Impressive God Who Never Fails Me
It has been a while since I have written a post on here. Life has been busy and time has flown by so fast. I wanted to write to update my friends and family on not only my health over the past few months, but also on what I have seen God doing, and how I have learned (and am still learning) what it is to cling to my Savior, through faith, even when I don't see Him doing anything.
First for the health update. Last November, as my previous post talks about, I was in the hospital for a round of IV antibiotics. Since then, I had been doing very well. I was able to maintain my lung function up where it was when I first got out of the hospital, and I didn't have to miss any school spring semester 2012 for health reasons (Praise God!!). This summer, I gradually began feeling less well. It started with a little more congestion, increased cough, and then waking up in the night coughing more and more. I went to the doctor for a routine appointment and my lung function had decreased some. My doctor told me to increase my treatments to 3 times a day and to come back in a week, where we would decide if I needed IV antibiotics again or not. So, like a good patient, I increased my treatments. After a few days, I went from feeling "blah" to "oh dear goodness, please get me into the hospital!" I developed a persistent, horrible cough, felt completely zapped of energy, and my blood sugars were elevated (indicative of an infection), and after two days of that, I decided to call my doctor to see if he thought I should just go into the hospital then. My doctor agreed that I should come in, so I was admitted the next morning to USC.
This visit to the hospital was different from the others. Normally, while I don't feel great when I first get to the hospital, I still have enough energy to walk laps around the unit, and feel myself enough to want to escape the building after being there for a couple hours. This time, however, I did not have that energy and I actually wanted to be there because I knew I needed to be. I didn't feel myself. My oxygen saturation while at rest was between 92-95% (while this is not dangerously low, my normal resting is between 97-99%). In addition, I couldn't have a conversation with someone without becoming very short of breath and coughing. When I tried to take a walk around the unit, one lap exhausted me and brought my O2 down to 90% (not favorable). Thankfully within a week of being there I felt a lot better, and was able to gradually do more physical activity without de-satting. After 2 weeks of being on IVs my lung function improved, but still isn't back up to where it was after I was hospitalized last time.
Currently, I feel better, but not 100%. My blood sugars have been higher than their normal range ever since the hospital, and I can't seem to get them well controlled yet. I am supposed to see my endocrinologist next month about this. In addition, my Allergic Broncho-pulmonary Aspergillosis (aka: allergic reaction to a fungus) has flared up again. This "flare up" causes inflammation and further lung damage if not controlled. This past semester, before going into the hospital, my doctors put me on Prednisone again for it for a couple months. God gave me peace during that. The Prednisone helped some, but not enough. Now my levels are back up. I'm not sure what the plan is yet this time. I'm really sick of Prednisone though, and I pray that my doctors could either find something else that will work, or that God would just heal me of it completely (this is obviously the preferred option). All of these things I would really appreciate prayer for if you feel lead to do so (Lung function, Diabetes and Aspergillosis flare up).
As far as other life updates, I just started a job at City of Hope as a Patient Care Assistant. I hope to work there through my last year of nursing school. I love it. It can be physically and emotionally hard work, but I am enjoying it a lot so far at least. Another example of God's perfect timing is that my orientation for this job started the day after finishing my IV antibiotics. God's faithfulness never ceases to amaze me. The job itself was a gift from God and I went through a lot of opposition to get there. I don't want to write too much, but lets just say that I am experiencing what it is really like to be a health care provider with a chronic illness and peoples' reactions to that. God is good though, and no matter what area of nursing I end up in, and regardless of my career at all, I know God is faithful and wherever He leads, I know He will have the glory and He has blessings for me in it.
This past year or so has been hard in almost every aspect. I have been frustrated with myself because I see my faith lacking in many areas, and my soul is weary and timid. I have lacked boldness in proclaiming the gospel to others. With these things said, I think God, in His grace, has used this time to break me of myself (by this I mean my need to present myself to others as "has it together Christian" and having pride in myself as a result). What Christian really has it together anyway? By calling oneself a Christian isn't that insinuating that we acknowledge our brokenness and need for a Savior? Not one of us on this earth "has it all together" - including myself. I have clung to the truth that God is Sovereign, Good, All-powerful and Unchanging, and that's enough. Even when I don't hear Him or see Him doing huge things in my life, by faith, I can still trust that He is in control, sovereign over all things, and has a good plan for my life. I don't have anything amazing to say; nothing to point to my own righteousness, because the only thing good in me is HIM - Jesus Christ. HE robes me with righteousness and life ( Isaiah 61:10). May this blog point to HIM who is able to bring life to the dead, healing to the broken, and hope to those without it. Its not about me, we are all on this journey together, I just pray that you would realize that there is a living and holy God who loves you and who desires to walk with you (and carry you when needed) through this life.
Thank you for reading.
Psalm 31:14-15
"But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, “You are my God!” My future is in your hands."
First for the health update. Last November, as my previous post talks about, I was in the hospital for a round of IV antibiotics. Since then, I had been doing very well. I was able to maintain my lung function up where it was when I first got out of the hospital, and I didn't have to miss any school spring semester 2012 for health reasons (Praise God!!). This summer, I gradually began feeling less well. It started with a little more congestion, increased cough, and then waking up in the night coughing more and more. I went to the doctor for a routine appointment and my lung function had decreased some. My doctor told me to increase my treatments to 3 times a day and to come back in a week, where we would decide if I needed IV antibiotics again or not. So, like a good patient, I increased my treatments. After a few days, I went from feeling "blah" to "oh dear goodness, please get me into the hospital!" I developed a persistent, horrible cough, felt completely zapped of energy, and my blood sugars were elevated (indicative of an infection), and after two days of that, I decided to call my doctor to see if he thought I should just go into the hospital then. My doctor agreed that I should come in, so I was admitted the next morning to USC.
This visit to the hospital was different from the others. Normally, while I don't feel great when I first get to the hospital, I still have enough energy to walk laps around the unit, and feel myself enough to want to escape the building after being there for a couple hours. This time, however, I did not have that energy and I actually wanted to be there because I knew I needed to be. I didn't feel myself. My oxygen saturation while at rest was between 92-95% (while this is not dangerously low, my normal resting is between 97-99%). In addition, I couldn't have a conversation with someone without becoming very short of breath and coughing. When I tried to take a walk around the unit, one lap exhausted me and brought my O2 down to 90% (not favorable). Thankfully within a week of being there I felt a lot better, and was able to gradually do more physical activity without de-satting. After 2 weeks of being on IVs my lung function improved, but still isn't back up to where it was after I was hospitalized last time.
Currently, I feel better, but not 100%. My blood sugars have been higher than their normal range ever since the hospital, and I can't seem to get them well controlled yet. I am supposed to see my endocrinologist next month about this. In addition, my Allergic Broncho-pulmonary Aspergillosis (aka: allergic reaction to a fungus) has flared up again. This "flare up" causes inflammation and further lung damage if not controlled. This past semester, before going into the hospital, my doctors put me on Prednisone again for it for a couple months. God gave me peace during that. The Prednisone helped some, but not enough. Now my levels are back up. I'm not sure what the plan is yet this time. I'm really sick of Prednisone though, and I pray that my doctors could either find something else that will work, or that God would just heal me of it completely (this is obviously the preferred option). All of these things I would really appreciate prayer for if you feel lead to do so (Lung function, Diabetes and Aspergillosis flare up).
As far as other life updates, I just started a job at City of Hope as a Patient Care Assistant. I hope to work there through my last year of nursing school. I love it. It can be physically and emotionally hard work, but I am enjoying it a lot so far at least. Another example of God's perfect timing is that my orientation for this job started the day after finishing my IV antibiotics. God's faithfulness never ceases to amaze me. The job itself was a gift from God and I went through a lot of opposition to get there. I don't want to write too much, but lets just say that I am experiencing what it is really like to be a health care provider with a chronic illness and peoples' reactions to that. God is good though, and no matter what area of nursing I end up in, and regardless of my career at all, I know God is faithful and wherever He leads, I know He will have the glory and He has blessings for me in it.
This past year or so has been hard in almost every aspect. I have been frustrated with myself because I see my faith lacking in many areas, and my soul is weary and timid. I have lacked boldness in proclaiming the gospel to others. With these things said, I think God, in His grace, has used this time to break me of myself (by this I mean my need to present myself to others as "has it together Christian" and having pride in myself as a result). What Christian really has it together anyway? By calling oneself a Christian isn't that insinuating that we acknowledge our brokenness and need for a Savior? Not one of us on this earth "has it all together" - including myself. I have clung to the truth that God is Sovereign, Good, All-powerful and Unchanging, and that's enough. Even when I don't hear Him or see Him doing huge things in my life, by faith, I can still trust that He is in control, sovereign over all things, and has a good plan for my life. I don't have anything amazing to say; nothing to point to my own righteousness, because the only thing good in me is HIM - Jesus Christ. HE robes me with righteousness and life ( Isaiah 61:10). May this blog point to HIM who is able to bring life to the dead, healing to the broken, and hope to those without it. Its not about me, we are all on this journey together, I just pray that you would realize that there is a living and holy God who loves you and who desires to walk with you (and carry you when needed) through this life.
Thank you for reading.
Psalm 31:14-15
"But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, “You are my God!” My future is in your hands."
Saturday, November 12, 2011
The reality is HE designed us to be dependent on HIM
Dependence is such a foreign concept to most people today, and to many it has a negative connotation. And yet, we were all created to be desperately dependent on God, our Creator. By His word, we have life each day, He breathes life into our lungs both physically and spiritually. His grace is the only reason you and I are taking a breath right now.
This has been a rough year health-wise. Since the beginning of this year I have not really felt like my normal self in regards to my lungs. For the first half of the year I felt off, but my PFTs (pulmonary function tests) consistently showed that I was doing fine. They just didn't seem to match up. This summer my doctors put me on oral Cipro (an antibiotic) to see if that would help me feel better - it did nothing. Then, in August of this year, I got a cold and struggled to recover completely from it. In addition, I lost almost ten pounds from it so I decided to call my doctor to see if I could come in for an appointment to see how my lungs were doing after the cold. My numbers were down, specifically my smaller airways. They were concerned about this because in chronic lung disease the smaller airways are the first to have damage because that is where all of the mucus sits and infections harbor. Once damage occurs it is irreversible and oxygen exchange is impaired. So it makes sense why they were so worried about this number and determined to get it up. My doctors decided that I should be admitted to the hospital for IV antibiotics and aggressive breathing treatments and chest PT in order to fight the infection. So I went in during the first week back at school. It worked out really well though because I didn't have to miss any clinicals. I was in the hospital for one week and then finished the course of IV antibiotics at home/school the second week. When I finished the antibiotics I felt better and my numbers improved; not as much as my doctors wanted, but an improvement.
Within 1-2 weeks after finishing however, I started to feel sick again pretty suddenly. Normally the symptoms (congestion, cough, shortness of breath, fatigue) come back gradually over time, but this time it was very sudden. I went back to the doctor after about a month of feeling like this and it turned out that my lung function had gone back down to where it was before I went into the hospital the first time. They told me that they wanted me to increase my breathing treatments to 3-4x a day for the next 2 weeks and then come back, and if my PFT numbers had not improved then I would probably have to be hospitalized again. At first this shocked me. I had never been on IV antibiotics any closer together than 4 months (and that was only when my doctors were doing it prophylacticly, not even because I was sick enough to need them). So needless to say this was a bit overwhelming. After two weeks of trying to increase my treatments the best I could, I went back to the doctor and my lung function had not improved. So they made the decision to admit into the hospital for 2 weeks. They want to do all they can before they feel comfortable saying that this is just my new baseline, which I agree with. So here I am, back at USC.
I am still learning what it is to be dependent on God, and will for the rest of my life. We are dependent on Him for breath, we are dependent on Him for life physical and eternal, we are dependent on Him in whatever circumstance life brings us whether we realize it or not. He is in control without fail.
"Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him. He alone is my rock and and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge."
- Psalm 62:5-8
This has been a rough year health-wise. Since the beginning of this year I have not really felt like my normal self in regards to my lungs. For the first half of the year I felt off, but my PFTs (pulmonary function tests) consistently showed that I was doing fine. They just didn't seem to match up. This summer my doctors put me on oral Cipro (an antibiotic) to see if that would help me feel better - it did nothing. Then, in August of this year, I got a cold and struggled to recover completely from it. In addition, I lost almost ten pounds from it so I decided to call my doctor to see if I could come in for an appointment to see how my lungs were doing after the cold. My numbers were down, specifically my smaller airways. They were concerned about this because in chronic lung disease the smaller airways are the first to have damage because that is where all of the mucus sits and infections harbor. Once damage occurs it is irreversible and oxygen exchange is impaired. So it makes sense why they were so worried about this number and determined to get it up. My doctors decided that I should be admitted to the hospital for IV antibiotics and aggressive breathing treatments and chest PT in order to fight the infection. So I went in during the first week back at school. It worked out really well though because I didn't have to miss any clinicals. I was in the hospital for one week and then finished the course of IV antibiotics at home/school the second week. When I finished the antibiotics I felt better and my numbers improved; not as much as my doctors wanted, but an improvement.
Within 1-2 weeks after finishing however, I started to feel sick again pretty suddenly. Normally the symptoms (congestion, cough, shortness of breath, fatigue) come back gradually over time, but this time it was very sudden. I went back to the doctor after about a month of feeling like this and it turned out that my lung function had gone back down to where it was before I went into the hospital the first time. They told me that they wanted me to increase my breathing treatments to 3-4x a day for the next 2 weeks and then come back, and if my PFT numbers had not improved then I would probably have to be hospitalized again. At first this shocked me. I had never been on IV antibiotics any closer together than 4 months (and that was only when my doctors were doing it prophylacticly, not even because I was sick enough to need them). So needless to say this was a bit overwhelming. After two weeks of trying to increase my treatments the best I could, I went back to the doctor and my lung function had not improved. So they made the decision to admit into the hospital for 2 weeks. They want to do all they can before they feel comfortable saying that this is just my new baseline, which I agree with. So here I am, back at USC.
I am still learning what it is to be dependent on God, and will for the rest of my life. We are dependent on Him for breath, we are dependent on Him for life physical and eternal, we are dependent on Him in whatever circumstance life brings us whether we realize it or not. He is in control without fail.
"Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him. He alone is my rock and and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge."
- Psalm 62:5-8
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Jesus, be my leader. I am ready to Follow.
"Then Jesus said to his disciples,'If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you hang onto your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it." - Matthew 16:24-25
Well I have officially finished my first semester of nursing school, and I am getting ready to start the second one next week. I feel like I have learned so much in the past few months, and yet I am overwhelmed with the amount that I still need to learn and skills I need to master in order to be a good nurse. If there is one thing that I have learned though that has stuck, and I pray will alway stick, is that I cannot do this job without being desperately dependent on the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the One who counsels, guides, leads, and gives wisdom and insight into what God is doing around us. The One who helps us do the will of God when we call on Him. I have realized that in a hospital setting, in order to be a giver of hope, a possessor of compassion and love, I need the Holy Spirit. I am totally blind and useless in the spiritual realm without Him (in any situation). He is the one who gives me patience and perserverance to get through each lecture and test. God is the One who gives me breath and energy each day. I am learning how utterly helpless I am without Him. Just like a baby, I need my Father to grow me and lead me.
Health-wise this past semester really couldn't have been any better. Becuase I went on IVs right before starting clincals, I was able to get through the rest of the semester in full health. Thank you Jesus. I just had a doctor's appointment yesterday to see how I am doing before going back to start another semester. My lung function is overall still really good. The only thing that went down were my small airways. I have been feeling my congested lately and have had less energy. My doctor decided to put me on prednisone again for 2 weeks to experiment and see if the cause of the small airway decrease is allergies. If it is, the prednisone should do the trick. So we shall see. I am glad I didn't have to do IVs againthe week before going back, but I am also interested to see how my health will be throughout this coming semester. It has already been about 6 months since I've been on IVs, and normally I go on them about every 6 months. Whatever happens, my God is in charge, and my heart shall trust in Him, He is my refuge.
This semester we are doing an oncology (cancer) rotation at City of Hope. I am nervous and excited for this. Oncology is a field of nursing that I am considering going into, so I'm curious how I will like it. I will let you guys know! :) If you think of it, pray for an open heart, discernment, and wisdom in the way I percieve this rotation. I want to be where God desires me to be. Pray that I would end up there.
I think that's it for now. Thank you so much for reading.
Is there anything that I can be praying for you about?
Well I have officially finished my first semester of nursing school, and I am getting ready to start the second one next week. I feel like I have learned so much in the past few months, and yet I am overwhelmed with the amount that I still need to learn and skills I need to master in order to be a good nurse. If there is one thing that I have learned though that has stuck, and I pray will alway stick, is that I cannot do this job without being desperately dependent on the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the One who counsels, guides, leads, and gives wisdom and insight into what God is doing around us. The One who helps us do the will of God when we call on Him. I have realized that in a hospital setting, in order to be a giver of hope, a possessor of compassion and love, I need the Holy Spirit. I am totally blind and useless in the spiritual realm without Him (in any situation). He is the one who gives me patience and perserverance to get through each lecture and test. God is the One who gives me breath and energy each day. I am learning how utterly helpless I am without Him. Just like a baby, I need my Father to grow me and lead me.
Health-wise this past semester really couldn't have been any better. Becuase I went on IVs right before starting clincals, I was able to get through the rest of the semester in full health. Thank you Jesus. I just had a doctor's appointment yesterday to see how I am doing before going back to start another semester. My lung function is overall still really good. The only thing that went down were my small airways. I have been feeling my congested lately and have had less energy. My doctor decided to put me on prednisone again for 2 weeks to experiment and see if the cause of the small airway decrease is allergies. If it is, the prednisone should do the trick. So we shall see. I am glad I didn't have to do IVs againthe week before going back, but I am also interested to see how my health will be throughout this coming semester. It has already been about 6 months since I've been on IVs, and normally I go on them about every 6 months. Whatever happens, my God is in charge, and my heart shall trust in Him, He is my refuge.
This semester we are doing an oncology (cancer) rotation at City of Hope. I am nervous and excited for this. Oncology is a field of nursing that I am considering going into, so I'm curious how I will like it. I will let you guys know! :) If you think of it, pray for an open heart, discernment, and wisdom in the way I percieve this rotation. I want to be where God desires me to be. Pray that I would end up there.
I think that's it for now. Thank you so much for reading.
Is there anything that I can be praying for you about?
Friday, September 3, 2010
Nursing: You promised me that you would make a way, I trust you Lord.
So I have been back at Biola for a couple weeks now. Things are a lot different this semester, being in the Nursing program now. The first couple days were a lot harder than I had anticipated. Not academically though.
I have always known that Nursing would not be an easy thing, especially with having CF. In fact, in the past I went through a few periods of doubt as to whether or not that was something I should really do. Shouldn't I do something that didn't require so much energy and strenous hard work; something less physically demanding? This way the years I had left to live would be restful and enjoyable. But God set me straight and numerous, numerous, numerous times told me that I was meant to be a nurse. That is the vocation that He had called me to for the glory of His name. Ever since I have known confidently. All of these years though I always just thought about how exciting it would be...I knew it would be hard, but that wasn't real to me yet.
This summer, before starting nursing school I could feel more of the pressure. I would ask myself and God, "What if I get sick and have to go on IVs during school? I would have to miss clinicals...how would that even work?" This anxiety hit over the summer. Still I kept telling myself that I KNOW that God has called me to this, I just have to trust. Sometimes God's plans for us just don't make sense, but if they are His plans, they will work. I just had to trust that even though going into nursing school having CF didn't make any sense it was what I KNOW He has called me to and I need to rest in that.
God is so good and His timing is perfect. I ended up going on IVs the week before classes began, and finished them up the first week of school. I didn't need to miss any classes at all. Praise God! Yet, I still know that I have 3 more years in the program, and surely I will need to be on IVs again before I graduate. I still must trust because He is always faithful and His plans are good.
It was the day before nursing classes would begin here at Biola and by the evening I realized that I felt very heavy. I had something weighing on my soul that I couldn't identify. I knew that it wasn't stress. I feel like at this point in my life, more than ever, I trust in God's plan for me. Why would I feel this way? I came back to my empty dorm room that night and sat on the couch. I prayed, "God, I want to give you this weight, but I don't know how, becuase I don't know what it is from." I wanted to cry but I couldn't becuase I didn't know what it would even be for. Soon after that, my roommate Jamie came back. She noticed that there was something wrong and asked what was going on. I told her how I was feeling. Whiling talking to her, God allowed me to see what the source of the weight was.
Its a bit hard to put into words, but I will try. I felt overwhelmed and terrified. Part of me was thinking, "I honestly don't think I can do this. Can I really get through nursing school with CF? Realistically, can I?" That part of me just wanted to quit and go home, to bed and never leave. Another part of me knew that I was supposed to be there, and was confident that God would get me through. I believe that God needed me to be at a place where I could admit my utter and desperate need for Him, knowing that I need to rely fully on Him every single step of the way, and come out in the end knowing that HE was the one who carried me through. When I realized this, this picture came to my head. It was like I was standing ontop of a hill looking out at the wilderness that I knew that I would have to cross in order to get to where I needed to be. There is no paved path, and it literally looks impossible to get through by myself. The only way I can get through this wilderness is by having a God who is greater than me, and any situation I could find myself faced with in the midst of that wilderness, literally CARRY ME THROUGH it. A God who is merciful and powerful. This is the God of the Bible. The ONE TRUE GOD. The way, the truth and the life. Through which the only way to get to Him is through Jesus Christ. This is my God, my Savior, and my Strength. This is the One who has in the past, sustained me, protected me, and lead me through deserts, wildernesses, and storms; and who will continue to, by His grace, carry me through every other circumstance I will ever face in this life. This is the God I serve. The God looks at you, just as you are, and loves you with an unconditional love.
I know that God needed me to find myself in a place of total desperation, acknowledging my need for Him every step of the way through this nursing program.
I cried and cried, but they were needed tears. I had never felt anything like it. In the midst of my tears I found myself feeling the weight of suffering in this world. Something else I needed to feel. I can't put into words. I have never felt that before in my life. I felt weight, but I also felt this immense hope. That even in the midst of suffering there is a hope that far outweighs it all. The suffering is temporary, this hope that God gives is eternal. This is the message I must bring to those I come into contact with. Whether through words, or my actions alone. I am desperate for them to know. Oh Lord, use me. Give me the strength to do what you have called me to do.
This is a verse that God gave me the summer before I started at Biola. It comes from Isaiah 43. The context is God speaking to Israel about the promise of victory. His promises stand strong:
"But forget all that - it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."
- Isaiah 43:18-19
I have always known that Nursing would not be an easy thing, especially with having CF. In fact, in the past I went through a few periods of doubt as to whether or not that was something I should really do. Shouldn't I do something that didn't require so much energy and strenous hard work; something less physically demanding? This way the years I had left to live would be restful and enjoyable. But God set me straight and numerous, numerous, numerous times told me that I was meant to be a nurse. That is the vocation that He had called me to for the glory of His name. Ever since I have known confidently. All of these years though I always just thought about how exciting it would be...I knew it would be hard, but that wasn't real to me yet.
This summer, before starting nursing school I could feel more of the pressure. I would ask myself and God, "What if I get sick and have to go on IVs during school? I would have to miss clinicals...how would that even work?" This anxiety hit over the summer. Still I kept telling myself that I KNOW that God has called me to this, I just have to trust. Sometimes God's plans for us just don't make sense, but if they are His plans, they will work. I just had to trust that even though going into nursing school having CF didn't make any sense it was what I KNOW He has called me to and I need to rest in that.
God is so good and His timing is perfect. I ended up going on IVs the week before classes began, and finished them up the first week of school. I didn't need to miss any classes at all. Praise God! Yet, I still know that I have 3 more years in the program, and surely I will need to be on IVs again before I graduate. I still must trust because He is always faithful and His plans are good.
It was the day before nursing classes would begin here at Biola and by the evening I realized that I felt very heavy. I had something weighing on my soul that I couldn't identify. I knew that it wasn't stress. I feel like at this point in my life, more than ever, I trust in God's plan for me. Why would I feel this way? I came back to my empty dorm room that night and sat on the couch. I prayed, "God, I want to give you this weight, but I don't know how, becuase I don't know what it is from." I wanted to cry but I couldn't becuase I didn't know what it would even be for. Soon after that, my roommate Jamie came back. She noticed that there was something wrong and asked what was going on. I told her how I was feeling. Whiling talking to her, God allowed me to see what the source of the weight was.
Its a bit hard to put into words, but I will try. I felt overwhelmed and terrified. Part of me was thinking, "I honestly don't think I can do this. Can I really get through nursing school with CF? Realistically, can I?" That part of me just wanted to quit and go home, to bed and never leave. Another part of me knew that I was supposed to be there, and was confident that God would get me through. I believe that God needed me to be at a place where I could admit my utter and desperate need for Him, knowing that I need to rely fully on Him every single step of the way, and come out in the end knowing that HE was the one who carried me through. When I realized this, this picture came to my head. It was like I was standing ontop of a hill looking out at the wilderness that I knew that I would have to cross in order to get to where I needed to be. There is no paved path, and it literally looks impossible to get through by myself. The only way I can get through this wilderness is by having a God who is greater than me, and any situation I could find myself faced with in the midst of that wilderness, literally CARRY ME THROUGH it. A God who is merciful and powerful. This is the God of the Bible. The ONE TRUE GOD. The way, the truth and the life. Through which the only way to get to Him is through Jesus Christ. This is my God, my Savior, and my Strength. This is the One who has in the past, sustained me, protected me, and lead me through deserts, wildernesses, and storms; and who will continue to, by His grace, carry me through every other circumstance I will ever face in this life. This is the God I serve. The God looks at you, just as you are, and loves you with an unconditional love.
I know that God needed me to find myself in a place of total desperation, acknowledging my need for Him every step of the way through this nursing program.
I cried and cried, but they were needed tears. I had never felt anything like it. In the midst of my tears I found myself feeling the weight of suffering in this world. Something else I needed to feel. I can't put into words. I have never felt that before in my life. I felt weight, but I also felt this immense hope. That even in the midst of suffering there is a hope that far outweighs it all. The suffering is temporary, this hope that God gives is eternal. This is the message I must bring to those I come into contact with. Whether through words, or my actions alone. I am desperate for them to know. Oh Lord, use me. Give me the strength to do what you have called me to do.
This is a verse that God gave me the summer before I started at Biola. It comes from Isaiah 43. The context is God speaking to Israel about the promise of victory. His promises stand strong:
"But forget all that - it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."
- Isaiah 43:18-19
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
My first time being hospitalized for CF:
I am back at Biola now and getting ready to start classes tomorrow. Things have moved so fast these past few weeks.
On August 12th I had a doctors appointment at USC to see how I was doing after the car accident and before school started back up. I went in that morning and had a PFT (pulomonary function test) done. This is a test where I suck in as much air as possible, as fast as possible and when I can't hold any more air in my lungs I blow it out as fast as possible for as long as possible until I have nothing left. I do this test everytime I go to the doctor. They can tell what my lung capacity is by doing this test.
Anyway, so I did this test on the 12th. My lung function had gone down enough that my doctors said that I needed to be hospitalized asap. Now before you get too excited know that I am new to the the clinic at USC and they like all of their Cystic Fibrosis patients to go into the hospital for treatment for at least a week. I have been used to Loma Linda though, where they always would let me do home IV antibiotics. So when my doctors told me that I would need to be admitted to the hospital I wasn't too surprised, and honestly a bit relieved. I knew that I would need IVs soon and I also knew that I was starting school in a few weeks, and did not want to have to miss any classes or clinicals to go into the hospital for treatments.
They told me that they wanted me to be in the hospital for one week and then I would be able to finish the IVs myself for one more week. I thought, "Ok, I can do this." I came home that day, told my parents, called work and told them I couldn't work that weekend afterall, and packed my bag full of comfy clothes and anything that would keep me from going crazy with bordem.
That next morning my mom and I drove back down to USC University Hospital and I was taken to what would be my room for the next week.
This was my very first time being hospitalized for CF and it was a very strange reality. I have only been hospitalized one other time in my life and it was for the swine flu last summer. During that stay I was delirious for the majority of the time and was glad to be in the hospital with people who could take care of me and give me pain meds. But being in the hospital this time was completely different. I felt healthy for the most part, energetic, and very much alert. I wanted to walk, be outside, and take care of myself.
When I first got settled into my room and said to myself, "This isn't that bad, I can make it through one week, and I will feel so much better afterwards." After being there for a few hours though, my optimistic attitude began to change some. Little things began to bug me. For example I would be used to taking a certain medication each day and I asked for it when I didn't see it with my dinner, but the nurse said that I couldn't have it because the doctor hadn't ordered it for some reason. It wasn't the nurse's fault, but it bugged me. The same thing happened with a breathing treatment, and the way they treated my diabetes. By the end of the first night I felt frusterated, impatient, and honestly a bit prideful. In the hospital I was having done to me everything that I have always done myself in the past. I felt like I could be doing the exact same thing myself, at home, and probably take better care of myself than could be done in the hospital. I was restless and I couldn't stand being there.
The next morning I talked to my mom and one of my sisters about it and told them that I wanted to talk to my doctor and see if I could just do this myself, at home. After getting off of the phone with them, I prayed. I told God what I was feeling. The only thing holding me back from calling the dr at that moment to talk to him was the thought that maybe God wanted me to spend this week in the hospital for a reason. If God wanted me there for His purposes, I knew that I needed to stay, no matter how I felt. The problem was, I didn't know what God wanted. I asked God plain and simple, "What should I do?" There wasn't an immediate answer, but He did give me one that day.
I went on facebook that morning, and I had a message in my inbox waiting for me from one of my close friends. She wrote a good morning message for my first morning in the hospital. It was full of encouragement, and God spoke directly through her to me, addressing many things I had been praying about. This softened my heart and lead me to tears. Somewhere in this moment, I belive that God spoke to me and gave me an answer. I believe He said to me, "Amanda, if you can't get through a week of being here, relying on and trusting in me, even when you can't stand your circumstances, how do you expect to fully relate to and encourage your patients? Trust in me, even when its uncomfortable and inconvenient." After God spoke this there was an immediate change in my heart, that I cannot fully explain. I no longer felt frusterated and impatient, I felt at peace, and I felt joy. I knew that God had purpose in the days that I was going to be there, and I looked forward to what He was going to do. I suddenly felt like talking to people and being sociable (whereas before, I honestly did not).
The night before I came to the hospital, I prayed that God would have His hand on who my nurses and other caregivers were going to be. God heard me. So many of my nurses and respiratory therapists were Christians. In fact, one night I talked with my RT for a good hour about God. So cool. One morning I had another RT who was not a Christian and God gave me just enough time to very briefly share Christ with her. GOD IS SO GOOD! One nurse that I had, graduated from APU and was normally a nurse in the oncology unit (which is what I want to do!), so I got to talk to her about that some!
The main piece of scripture that I clung to while I was there was Philippians 4:6-9,11-13
"Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus...Fix you thoughts on things above....I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength."
God is good. He is with me (and you) wherever I go. He made beauty out of a not so terrific situation.
I am back at Biola getting ready to start clinicals, and I have a whole new passion for being with patients. I want to love them and show them the Love of my King. When I am in a hospital, I feel a joy and excitement that I don't have anywhere else. Not out of some sick enjoyment of sickness, but becuase I know that in that setting is where my gifts can be best put to use. I can't wait to start clinicals!!!
God is my strength, in all situations. Even when I don't think that I need His strength to get by, I DO!! He is my hope and my joy. May He be your's as well!!!
On August 12th I had a doctors appointment at USC to see how I was doing after the car accident and before school started back up. I went in that morning and had a PFT (pulomonary function test) done. This is a test where I suck in as much air as possible, as fast as possible and when I can't hold any more air in my lungs I blow it out as fast as possible for as long as possible until I have nothing left. I do this test everytime I go to the doctor. They can tell what my lung capacity is by doing this test.
Anyway, so I did this test on the 12th. My lung function had gone down enough that my doctors said that I needed to be hospitalized asap. Now before you get too excited know that I am new to the the clinic at USC and they like all of their Cystic Fibrosis patients to go into the hospital for treatment for at least a week. I have been used to Loma Linda though, where they always would let me do home IV antibiotics. So when my doctors told me that I would need to be admitted to the hospital I wasn't too surprised, and honestly a bit relieved. I knew that I would need IVs soon and I also knew that I was starting school in a few weeks, and did not want to have to miss any classes or clinicals to go into the hospital for treatments.
They told me that they wanted me to be in the hospital for one week and then I would be able to finish the IVs myself for one more week. I thought, "Ok, I can do this." I came home that day, told my parents, called work and told them I couldn't work that weekend afterall, and packed my bag full of comfy clothes and anything that would keep me from going crazy with bordem.
That next morning my mom and I drove back down to USC University Hospital and I was taken to what would be my room for the next week.
This was my very first time being hospitalized for CF and it was a very strange reality. I have only been hospitalized one other time in my life and it was for the swine flu last summer. During that stay I was delirious for the majority of the time and was glad to be in the hospital with people who could take care of me and give me pain meds. But being in the hospital this time was completely different. I felt healthy for the most part, energetic, and very much alert. I wanted to walk, be outside, and take care of myself.
When I first got settled into my room and said to myself, "This isn't that bad, I can make it through one week, and I will feel so much better afterwards." After being there for a few hours though, my optimistic attitude began to change some. Little things began to bug me. For example I would be used to taking a certain medication each day and I asked for it when I didn't see it with my dinner, but the nurse said that I couldn't have it because the doctor hadn't ordered it for some reason. It wasn't the nurse's fault, but it bugged me. The same thing happened with a breathing treatment, and the way they treated my diabetes. By the end of the first night I felt frusterated, impatient, and honestly a bit prideful. In the hospital I was having done to me everything that I have always done myself in the past. I felt like I could be doing the exact same thing myself, at home, and probably take better care of myself than could be done in the hospital. I was restless and I couldn't stand being there.
The next morning I talked to my mom and one of my sisters about it and told them that I wanted to talk to my doctor and see if I could just do this myself, at home. After getting off of the phone with them, I prayed. I told God what I was feeling. The only thing holding me back from calling the dr at that moment to talk to him was the thought that maybe God wanted me to spend this week in the hospital for a reason. If God wanted me there for His purposes, I knew that I needed to stay, no matter how I felt. The problem was, I didn't know what God wanted. I asked God plain and simple, "What should I do?" There wasn't an immediate answer, but He did give me one that day.
I went on facebook that morning, and I had a message in my inbox waiting for me from one of my close friends. She wrote a good morning message for my first morning in the hospital. It was full of encouragement, and God spoke directly through her to me, addressing many things I had been praying about. This softened my heart and lead me to tears. Somewhere in this moment, I belive that God spoke to me and gave me an answer. I believe He said to me, "Amanda, if you can't get through a week of being here, relying on and trusting in me, even when you can't stand your circumstances, how do you expect to fully relate to and encourage your patients? Trust in me, even when its uncomfortable and inconvenient." After God spoke this there was an immediate change in my heart, that I cannot fully explain. I no longer felt frusterated and impatient, I felt at peace, and I felt joy. I knew that God had purpose in the days that I was going to be there, and I looked forward to what He was going to do. I suddenly felt like talking to people and being sociable (whereas before, I honestly did not).
The night before I came to the hospital, I prayed that God would have His hand on who my nurses and other caregivers were going to be. God heard me. So many of my nurses and respiratory therapists were Christians. In fact, one night I talked with my RT for a good hour about God. So cool. One morning I had another RT who was not a Christian and God gave me just enough time to very briefly share Christ with her. GOD IS SO GOOD! One nurse that I had, graduated from APU and was normally a nurse in the oncology unit (which is what I want to do!), so I got to talk to her about that some!
The main piece of scripture that I clung to while I was there was Philippians 4:6-9,11-13
"Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus...Fix you thoughts on things above....I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength."
God is good. He is with me (and you) wherever I go. He made beauty out of a not so terrific situation.
I am back at Biola getting ready to start clinicals, and I have a whole new passion for being with patients. I want to love them and show them the Love of my King. When I am in a hospital, I feel a joy and excitement that I don't have anywhere else. Not out of some sick enjoyment of sickness, but becuase I know that in that setting is where my gifts can be best put to use. I can't wait to start clinicals!!!
God is my strength, in all situations. Even when I don't think that I need His strength to get by, I DO!! He is my hope and my joy. May He be your's as well!!!
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