It has been a while since I last posted an update. There is so much to share about! :)
This past semester was a really great one to say the least! Why might you ask? God is always SO faithful, even when I am not.
Before I get to the health part, let me explain some things that God has been doing in my heart first! It may be lengthy, but if you have the time please read. God did powerful things in my life and I want to share them.
This past Christmas break I prayed something that really wasn't in my own strength. I prayed that God would give me wisdom in my prayers. So often I had been feeling that I really didn't even know how to pray. It has been an absolutely amazing experience these past few months seeing how God has answered that prayer above and beyond! The first way that I saw God answer my prayer was through my Theology I class. Toward the beginning of the class we went over some of the attributes of God. Things I had heard before; Things like....He is self-sufficient, Soveriegn, eternal, all-powerful, all-knowing, omnipresent, loving, gracious merciful...ect. I found that as my knowlegde of God expanded, so too did the way that I viewed Him, and my prayer life changed. Approaching God in prayer with the knowlegde of who He is is so powerful. I found myself praying more frequently and, it was just different, in a very good way. Next, God taught me about praying with boldness. One of my roommates whom I love dearly, had been praying every night in the prayer chapel we have on campus with her boyfriend. She often shared with me about how they had been praying boldly and had seen God answered their prayers. It convicted me and encouraged me to pray with boldness, not with passivity, as I commonly would. In addition to these things, God used a sermon my pastor spoke to open my eyes to the idea of faith and persistence in prayer. I realized that my prayers didn't have enough of these two things. Paricularly persistence. I have always struggled with spending daily time with God (extended time, not just little prayers throughout the day), so persistence would be a challenged for me. I told this to God and asked for His help. I know my prayer life will never be perfect, I will never be perfect, but I will continue to seek God in prayer for as long as I am alive.
Another big thing that God did in my life was in regards to Cystic Fibrosis. I don't think I would ordinarily be comfortable sharing this at the beginning of the semester, but I think God has changed my heart, and I really want to share this now. I don't know what you believe, but I believe that the God of the Bible is a healer. I don't believe in "kingdom now" theology; the belief where everyone is supposed to be healed, and if not there is something wrong with them. I believe that some people are not meant to be healed, because God intends to use the sickness/aliment for His glory. But I do believe that God heals today according to His divinely perfect plan for our lives, and above all His glory. I have, for a long time, struggled with the idea of healing in my own life. There was a stage where I thought I had "work" to the place where I was "good enough" to be healed (a total lie). A until recently I was in the place of honestly not wanting to be healed. I have been in places in between. But I think the underlying feeling was just not wanting to be healed. Why? Fear, the unknown ( I have had CF my whole life), and my identity. If it were to be taken away, who would I be? Would I have to same experiences with God? He has used it so powerfully, what would my testimony be without it? These were all thoughts I had been thinking.
This semester, God opened up my heart and showed me something. After one church service (about healing), my college pastor was asking me what I thought of it. I began telling him what I was thinking regarding healing in my own life. He asked if I wanted to get together with Him and his wife and talk about it. I gratefully accepted. Anyway, talking to them was a tremendous blessing! This is what God spoke to me: "Don't limit me with a disease" - I had been. Also the idea of identity. I thought in my head, "no, I know CF isn't my identity. I am daughter of God," but in my heart I couldn't see how it wasn't part of my identity because I haven't ever known myself without it. That night I realized though that I had been giving CF the credit for God given gifts...ect. If people told me "you are encouraging" I always associated it with CF. Gifts that I know are not of me at all, that I know are God-given, I attributed to having CF. It even surprised me when, this past semester, people who didn't know I had CF who encourage me with words I had normally given credit to CF. When I realized that God made me me with all my gifts and abilities APART FROM CF, I was overcome with how much He must love me. Attributing my gifts to CF was in a way a prideful outlet - it was something of me. Now that I see clearly that it is not CF, but straight and purely from my God, I am even more humbled. I better understand my identity in Christ. On the issue of healing I am in a spot where I don't not desire to be healed, but I also know that as long as I have CF, I will glorfy God through it. And if I am, one day, healed I will glorify God through that as well!
Ok health!
Over this past semester I was feeling pretty good all throughout. The only glitch was at the end of April I was tryign to flush my port and I couldn't. Normally once you put the needle in, you need to have blood draw back. That assures you that it is in the right spot and clear. I tried it over and over, readjusting and readjusting. It wouldn't pull back blood - always resistance. I thought, "ok, I will try it again in a couple of days, and if I still can't then I will call the doctor." I tried it again in a couple of days and the same thing happened...no blood draw back. I called the dr. and left a message. I received a call back the next day and they said to come in the following day and they will try to flush it, and if they can't (if there is a clot clogging it up) I would have to come back the next week and have it de-clogged somehow. That day before the appointment was really overwhelming. I would tell the whole story, but I have already said so much here. In brief though, God gave me joy and reminded me of His faithfullness. He was with me, He is always with me (AND YOU!). The port did flush the next day at the dr, thank God! :)
Ok, last thing, I promise! A current health update. I am home for the summer now, which has been nice but hard too. I have officially become a flatlander. The oxygen shortage up here in the mountains has set in for the first time. I have felt the symptoms of low O2 levels, but I have an oxygen tank now which is helping. Besides that, I have been feeling a bit more goopy and blah than normal. I have my next dr. appt on July 7th, so we will see what happens.
Thank you so much for reading. I know it was long, but I hope God used it somehow in your life. I hope you know that He loves you beyond what you or anyone else is capable of knowing.
