So I have been back at Biola for a couple weeks now. Things are a lot different this semester, being in the Nursing program now. The first couple days were a lot harder than I had anticipated. Not academically though.
I have always known that Nursing would not be an easy thing, especially with having CF. In fact, in the past I went through a few periods of doubt as to whether or not that was something I should really do. Shouldn't I do something that didn't require so much energy and strenous hard work; something less physically demanding? This way the years I had left to live would be restful and enjoyable. But God set me straight and numerous, numerous, numerous times told me that I was meant to be a nurse. That is the vocation that He had called me to for the glory of His name. Ever since I have known confidently. All of these years though I always just thought about how exciting it would be...I knew it would be hard, but that wasn't real to me yet.
This summer, before starting nursing school I could feel more of the pressure. I would ask myself and God, "What if I get sick and have to go on IVs during school? I would have to miss clinicals...how would that even work?" This anxiety hit over the summer. Still I kept telling myself that I KNOW that God has called me to this, I just have to trust. Sometimes God's plans for us just don't make sense, but if they are His plans, they will work. I just had to trust that even though going into nursing school having CF didn't make any sense it was what I KNOW He has called me to and I need to rest in that.
God is so good and His timing is perfect. I ended up going on IVs the week before classes began, and finished them up the first week of school. I didn't need to miss any classes at all. Praise God! Yet, I still know that I have 3 more years in the program, and surely I will need to be on IVs again before I graduate. I still must trust because He is always faithful and His plans are good.
It was the day before nursing classes would begin here at Biola and by the evening I realized that I felt very heavy. I had something weighing on my soul that I couldn't identify. I knew that it wasn't stress. I feel like at this point in my life, more than ever, I trust in God's plan for me. Why would I feel this way? I came back to my empty dorm room that night and sat on the couch. I prayed, "God, I want to give you this weight, but I don't know how, becuase I don't know what it is from." I wanted to cry but I couldn't becuase I didn't know what it would even be for. Soon after that, my roommate Jamie came back. She noticed that there was something wrong and asked what was going on. I told her how I was feeling. Whiling talking to her, God allowed me to see what the source of the weight was.
Its a bit hard to put into words, but I will try. I felt overwhelmed and terrified. Part of me was thinking, "I honestly don't think I can do this. Can I really get through nursing school with CF? Realistically, can I?" That part of me just wanted to quit and go home, to bed and never leave. Another part of me knew that I was supposed to be there, and was confident that God would get me through. I believe that God needed me to be at a place where I could admit my utter and desperate need for Him, knowing that I need to rely fully on Him every single step of the way, and come out in the end knowing that HE was the one who carried me through. When I realized this, this picture came to my head. It was like I was standing ontop of a hill looking out at the wilderness that I knew that I would have to cross in order to get to where I needed to be. There is no paved path, and it literally looks impossible to get through by myself. The only way I can get through this wilderness is by having a God who is greater than me, and any situation I could find myself faced with in the midst of that wilderness, literally CARRY ME THROUGH it. A God who is merciful and powerful. This is the God of the Bible. The ONE TRUE GOD. The way, the truth and the life. Through which the only way to get to Him is through Jesus Christ. This is my God, my Savior, and my Strength. This is the One who has in the past, sustained me, protected me, and lead me through deserts, wildernesses, and storms; and who will continue to, by His grace, carry me through every other circumstance I will ever face in this life. This is the God I serve. The God looks at you, just as you are, and loves you with an unconditional love.
I know that God needed me to find myself in a place of total desperation, acknowledging my need for Him every step of the way through this nursing program.
I cried and cried, but they were needed tears. I had never felt anything like it. In the midst of my tears I found myself feeling the weight of suffering in this world. Something else I needed to feel. I can't put into words. I have never felt that before in my life. I felt weight, but I also felt this immense hope. That even in the midst of suffering there is a hope that far outweighs it all. The suffering is temporary, this hope that God gives is eternal. This is the message I must bring to those I come into contact with. Whether through words, or my actions alone. I am desperate for them to know. Oh Lord, use me. Give me the strength to do what you have called me to do.
This is a verse that God gave me the summer before I started at Biola. It comes from Isaiah 43. The context is God speaking to Israel about the promise of victory. His promises stand strong:
"But forget all that - it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."
- Isaiah 43:18-19
