When I don't Understand I will Choose YOU

There is a song that I love called "I Breathe You in God" by Brian and Katie Torwait. The chorus says "When I don't understand, I will Choose you. When I don't understand, I will choose to love you God. When I don't understand, I get to choose to love you God." Those words are weighty. Words that I am currently convicted by and in the process of wrestling with right now. Its been a about a year since I have updated this blog, and of course a lot has happened in that time. I will try not to drag this on, but rather try to focus on the health updates, major events in the past year, and how once again God has proven Himself faithful. As you know by reading my blogs in the past, this past year and a half have been the most difficult health-wise. From November 2012 to June 2013 I was the sickest I have been CF-wise and for a while my doctors and I could not figure out what was going on. I was in and out of the hospital constantly with no improvement. In fact my lung function only continued to decrease. In March of 2013 my doctors decided to do a CT of my sinuses and found that I had chronic sinus disease. This was the answer to why I was getting sick so frequently (The infection in my sinuses would continually drain into my lungs, thus infecting them constantly). This was answer to prayer because I knew that this could be fixed to an extent, and that it wasn't that my CF had progressed beyond the point of being treatable. In June 2013, I had sinus surgery to clear everything out and to re-shape the anatomy of my sinuses to make it easier to clear out any build up in the future, thus preventing such frequent CF exacerbations. Since the surgery, I have been SO much better. I have returned to only needing IVs every 4ish months instead of monthly, how it was before the surgery. Who knew sinuses could have such a drastic impact on your quality of life! Boogers can be deadly people! These days I still have to flush my sinuses twice daily and see my ENT every few months to clear out the stuff that is too large or thick for me to blow out myself. Needless to say, I have grown accustom to going to the doctor to have my nose picked and suctioned with large plyers and long probes. I know what you're thinking, you wish you could come with me and have it done too? Yes, yes but I'm afraid its only for VIP members. Too bad. Anyway, some other exciting news is that I graduated college in May 2013 with a Bachelors Degree in Nursing!!! I still can't believe it sometimes. Did God really manage to get me through that? Because it sure was NOT by my strength! I took the NCLEX nursing licensure exam in July and passed! Fast forward and by God's grace and faithfullness, in October I started my job at City of Hope as a nurse on a Hematology floor (i.e. taking care of patients with blood cancers such as Leukemia and Lymphoma). I love it there. It really is my dream job. Things started out a little rocky with having to go back on IV antibiotics during what was supposed to be the first 2 weeks on the floor orienting. But after finishing the IVs I felt a lot better and returned to work to continue my 15 week orientation before being an independent nurse on the floor. I am SO grateful for a wonderful preceptor and managers who and amazingly understanding of my situation. Not having managers that were willing to work with me was a fear and concern that I have had and God completely answered that prayer. I was able to work fairly consistently with my preceptor and only had 2 more weeks to go until I would be on my own as a nurse. In mid February however, I caught some sort of virus that gave me a nasty persistent cough that took me out for 2 weeks. I had a follow up visit with my doctor and he wanted me to take one more week off to increase my breathing treatments to take care of the residual congestion left over from the virus. After a 4 days went by with only feeling worse, I called the CF clinic to give them an update and they decided that the best thing to do would be to go on IV antibiotics again for two weeks. While I know that IV antibiotics are what I need to get better right now, it's a bit discouraging because I feel like my health continually holds me back from doing what I believe God has called me to. Every time I think about the patients at City of Hope my heart longs to be a nurse there, but honestly I don't understand how this is supposed to work. How are Cystic Fibrosis and being a nurse compatible? This is where the choosing to trust God comes in. Choosing to trust HIM even when I don't understand why things are the way they are. Why has God given me a passion to serve sick people, when my own sickness prevents me from doing it fully and could even put me at higher risk of getting sick from others? I love how the song that I referred to in the beginning says "I get to choose to trust you, God." The fact that we have a choice means that there is HOPE. And the fact that we GET to choose is a result of the grace God has poured out on us. Jesus' blood was spilled and He took on sin and death for US which allows us to have access to the Father! This means that we CAN entrust our lives to the trustworthy KING, for His glory! I guess right now I am just struggling to give up that control and understand why God did call me to be a nurse. I know it wasn't purposeless. He has given me this job for this time, so I will keep working until God leads me to a new place, wherever and whenever that might be. On the flip side, every time I go back on IVs, I am reminded where my strength comes from and from Whom my help comes from. Although I don't always understand, I know that we have a God who does, and who has good planned for us. It may not be comfortable, clear or convenient, but its good. Thank you for reading! These are some verses that have brought encouragement to me: "In You, O LORD, do I put my trust. Never let me be put to confusion. Deliver me in Your righteousness, and cause me to escape. Incline Your ear to me, and save me. Be my strong habitation, where I may continually resort. You have given commandment to save me, for You are my rock and my fortress." - Psalm 71:1-3 "I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold... As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure." - Psalm 18:1-2, 30-32