The reality is HE designed us to be dependent on HIM

Dependence is such a foreign concept to most people today, and to many it has a negative connotation. And yet, we were all created to be desperately dependent on God, our Creator. By His word, we have life each day, He breathes life into our lungs both physically and spiritually. His grace is the only reason you and I are taking a breath right now.

This has been a rough year health-wise. Since the beginning of this year I have not really felt like my normal self in regards to my lungs. For the first half of the year I felt off, but my PFTs (pulmonary function tests) consistently showed that I was doing fine. They just didn't seem to match up. This summer my doctors put me on oral Cipro (an antibiotic) to see if that would help me feel better - it did nothing. Then, in August of this year, I got a cold and struggled to recover completely from it. In addition, I lost almost ten pounds from it so I decided to call my doctor to see if I could come in for an appointment to see how my lungs were doing after the cold. My numbers were down, specifically my smaller airways. They were concerned about this because in chronic lung disease the smaller airways are the first to have damage because that is where all of the mucus sits and infections harbor. Once damage occurs it is irreversible and oxygen exchange is impaired. So it makes sense why they were so worried about this number and determined to get it up. My doctors decided that I should be admitted to the hospital for IV antibiotics and aggressive breathing treatments and chest PT in order to fight the infection. So I went in during the first week back at school. It worked out really well though because I didn't have to miss any clinicals. I was in the hospital for one week and then finished the course of IV antibiotics at home/school the second week. When I finished the antibiotics I felt better and my numbers improved; not as much as my doctors wanted, but an improvement.

Within 1-2 weeks after finishing however, I started to feel sick again pretty suddenly. Normally the symptoms (congestion, cough, shortness of breath, fatigue) come back gradually over time, but this time it was very sudden. I went back to the doctor after about a month of feeling like this and it turned out that my lung function had gone back down to where it was before I went into the hospital the first time. They told me that they wanted me to increase my breathing treatments to 3-4x a day for the next 2 weeks and then come back, and if my PFT numbers had not improved then I would probably have to be hospitalized again. At first this shocked me. I had never been on IV antibiotics any closer together than 4 months (and that was only when my doctors were doing it prophylacticly, not even because I was sick enough to need them). So needless to say this was a bit overwhelming. After two weeks of trying to increase my treatments the best I could, I went back to the doctor and my lung function had not improved. So they made the decision to admit into the hospital for 2 weeks. They want to do all they can before they feel comfortable saying that this is just my new baseline, which I agree with. So here I am, back at USC.

I am still learning what it is to be dependent on God, and will for the rest of my life. We are dependent on Him for breath, we are dependent on Him for life physical and eternal, we are dependent on Him in whatever circumstance life brings us whether we realize it or not. He is in control without fail.

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him. He alone is my rock and and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge."
- Psalm 62:5-8

Jesus, be my leader. I am ready to Follow.

"Then Jesus said to his disciples,'If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you hang onto your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it." - Matthew 16:24-25

Well I have officially finished my first semester of nursing school, and I am getting ready to start the second one next week. I feel like I have learned so much in the past few months, and yet I am overwhelmed with the amount that I still need to learn and skills I need to master in order to be a good nurse. If there is one thing that I have learned though that has stuck, and I pray will alway stick, is that I cannot do this job without being desperately dependent on the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the One who counsels, guides, leads, and gives wisdom and insight into what God is doing around us. The One who helps us do the will of God when we call on Him. I have realized that in a hospital setting, in order to be a giver of hope, a possessor of compassion and love, I need the Holy Spirit. I am totally blind and useless in the spiritual realm without Him (in any situation). He is the one who gives me patience and perserverance to get through each lecture and test. God is the One who gives me breath and energy each day. I am learning how utterly helpless I am without Him. Just like a baby, I need my Father to grow me and lead me.

Health-wise this past semester really couldn't have been any better. Becuase I went on IVs right before starting clincals, I was able to get through the rest of the semester in full health. Thank you Jesus. I just had a doctor's appointment yesterday to see how I am doing before going back to start another semester. My lung function is overall still really good. The only thing that went down were my small airways. I have been feeling my congested lately and have had less energy. My doctor decided to put me on prednisone again for 2 weeks to experiment and see if the cause of the small airway decrease is allergies. If it is, the prednisone should do the trick. So we shall see. I am glad I didn't have to do IVs againthe week before going back, but I am also interested to see how my health will be throughout this coming semester. It has already been about 6 months since I've been on IVs, and normally I go on them about every 6 months. Whatever happens, my God is in charge, and my heart shall trust in Him, He is my refuge.

This semester we are doing an oncology (cancer) rotation at City of Hope. I am nervous and excited for this. Oncology is a field of nursing that I am considering going into, so I'm curious how I will like it. I will let you guys know! :) If you think of it, pray for an open heart, discernment, and wisdom in the way I percieve this rotation. I want to be where God desires me to be. Pray that I would end up there.

I think that's it for now. Thank you so much for reading.
Is there anything that I can be praying for you about?